Repeatedly thinking about your narcissist is by grand design.

*Neuro linguistics programming is the influence of brain behavior through the use of language and communication to recode the way a person thinks or responds to stimuli.

I was watching a video on YouTube called…

“Repeatedly thinking about your narcissist is by grand design”

by Luminousz Ztarr https://youtu.be/EOdHdioQGng

I begin to watch this video, as I have been watching other videos about the narcissist and the empath and how they attract, because I, was in love with a narcissist. Some men can easily pick up on vulnerability, perhaps in some environments, they train themselves for that to use it to their advantage for whatever supplies they lack. For example money, love or sex.

*images from the video

Victory is mine; I thank God because HE never left my side.

I am not writing this to slander anyone’s name, but being the author, I have a right to write my own story and the characters involved, well just happened to be in my story.

Eduard, my ex, showed up as a surprise guest at my friend’s wedding I was attending in the Dominican Republic. Him and I had been fighting (verbally) back and forth for months prior to that about what I should be doing with my life, specifically my money.

He couldn’t accept that I left him and decided to start traveling to other places without him, and going back on my promise to marry him.

He wanted me to be with him just the way he was.

I couldn’t do that.

I wanted to see him for my friend’s wedding, but being with him would be in a totally different setting. Kinda like we are here together, but not really together. Just that bond type of let’s get together for old times sake.

During this trip, things started off well, but unfortunately, didn’t end well. He habitually thinks he can control me to allow him to cheat, but is it really cheating if we are not really together?

Did he feel used that I asked him to come and spend time with me and I didn’t return the favor? Was it a money issue that was on the table? After seven days with him, the exposure of me accepting calls from another man in his presence and then the confrontation of him fucking Kristina. I said,

This is toxic and we are hurting each other. For what? Let’s just go our separate ways. Apparently there’s a misunderstanding.

Eventually I told him…

“I believe one of the reasons this relationship did not work was because, when I met you, I gave you a special part of me that I should not have given you and that was my mind, body and my soul.”

(Fornication)

“After my husband died, I was vulnerable. I gave my body and my soul to you even though you never earned it, but I saw how you begged for me and I wanted to trust you.”

(Vulnerability)

“I felt sorry for you living in a 3rd world country, I gave you money. That was my mistake.”

(Empathy)

“I had no knowledge of what a Sanky was at that time. I was too naive to believe that a man like you could easily take advantage of me. I didn’t know it was your passion to …. manipulate me. ”

(Oblivious)

“I was just a free woman who was willing to give a chance to the man I fell in love with who told me he would make me feel like the most beautiful woman in the world.”

(Hopeless romantic)

“You told me you were a Sanky, (not directly,) but indirectly. You admitted to inviting women to your country to show them a “good time.” I did not want to believe it; but it was true because one of those women was ME!

I was immediately drawn into your attention to me, your culture, your desire to… manipulate me.”

(Fantasy)

I saw you as a human being with a passion to help other people. I saw you as a man who loved God. I saw you as a man who loved his family. I saw you as my husband.

(Love)

Untilyou cheated on me. I had to leave you. I had to think about …. ME.

(Reality)

There is something evil deep inside that has a stronghold on you and it will not allow you to be free. The lies, the sex, the manipulation of the mind, and the facade of living two lives. You eventually begin to show the narcissistic side, and that part of you I despise.

(Release)

Detaching myself from all of that with space in my mind, he reaches out to me during the holidays just one last time to see if I’m on his mind. Yea sure, you’re on my mind and I wish you well my friend.

Time goes by with space in my mind and he reaches out to me again to ask if I forgot about him. I’m thinking to myself, ..

It was by your grand design to train me to have you always on my mind, but now your power was relinquished when you fucked, Kristiana, so now I have to move on with my life.

And what does the narcissist do? He turns everything around and tries to make my new amigo the center of his attention.

Telling me I gave another man my number and that I was talking to him in his presence, made him jealous.

(Narcissistic)

I say to him, “I am only doing the same thing you were doing and to me it’s no different!”

(Revenge)

After many attempts to make me feel guilty, I didn’t. I felt good about telling him the truth, “Yes, I gave another man my number, yes we talked on video in your presence. You know how your kind of men can be, very very persistent!”

After that confession he goes on to say “Go and be with him. I wish you well and it is better to block you to quiet the mind.”

I said, “Thank you, Papi. If you want to give up the best sex you’ve ever had, that’s going to be your problem!”

We both laughed! 😘

Time goes by with space in my mind and he reaches out to me one more time to ask…….

“Will you have sex with me one more time?”

I left him with NO REPLY!

I enjoyed the long journey, the laughs, the smiles, the traveling back and forth, learning Spanish, teaching him English, meeting new friends, seeing different parts of his culture and his country, the daily text messages and phone calls, the anticipation of going to see him again, the food he cooked for me, the beaches, the love he had to give……to me.

He had a motive, a strategic plan, maybe it was to have his baby, maybe for a visa, maybe it was just for the money or sex.

Thank God, I’m out now and Adiós to my Narcissist Ex!

I Understand

From IAH to SDQ

Trip No. 10

Dominican Republic ~ When I am there I feel free. Flying into the capital (Santo Domingo) and a two hour scenic drive to a Romantic beachfront property in Uvero Alto and then back to the capital… Lord, I’m so in love!

You don’t want me to acknowledge the pain.

You only want me to acknowledge the good again.

I understand

Now that I’ve turned my back to you, I know you’re hurting too, but what are you teaching me?

Not to be blue?

Just as you think of me daily, the consequences of your actions reminds me daily not to let you back in until you can acknowledge the pain I’m in!

What you’ve learned to accept in your culture may not be ok in mine. If you can’t live without me, then you have to confess that what you feel is true.

Which is… You can’t be without me and you don’t want to be blue!

#poetry #author #blogger #travel #romancetourism #theloveexperience #thepoetryjournal

Love with Good Intentions

Love with good intentions.

Even when you doubt that it’s true love, love them anyway.

Love with the intent that they may never love you the same way you love, but don’t take it personally.

Love is a choice and when you are faced with choosing to love someone you will know.

After you’ve loved (with or without boundaries) and you choose to leave that love,

leave knowing that your love did not fail, because you chose to love with good intentions.

Even though we fail in love,

Love never fails us.

Quél

I Forgive

There comes a time for cleansing and a time to reflect on your personal behaviors. A time to acknowledge where you were wrong or you may have experienced an interaction between you and another person and you felt they may have done the wrong thing. There is Power and Redemption in forgiveness.

I am a witness that it removes the hatred and the ill feelings of anger and perhaps one day you will be able to move forward in peace with or without their apology. I want to start from within and work my way through it. Yes, my travel experiences have been very exciting and fun, but it was not always the right thing to do and I am not sure how many people I have abused along the way. I am sorry for the abuse. I chose to open that door to love.

I wanted my eyes to see, my ears to hear, my nose to smell, my feet and my fingers to touch, and my tongue to taste the essence of true love. I was exposed to it all. I was all in. I truly loved.

My love experience had some astonishing and enlightening facts and secrets that were revealed to me. Revelations of good and bad can have its way of turning lives around and it is ok to acknowledge that revelation. His divine truth is only to be embraced and never rejected. Through acknowledgement and acceptance is when there will be a true change. Love is a state of being. It defines who you are and whose you are. When I can forgive, I can say I have accepted the full responsibility of love.

Quél

xoxo

It is still Good Friday

For if thou altogether holdest thy peace at this time, then shall there enlargement and deliverance arise to the Jews from another place; but thou and thy father’s house shall be destroyed: and who knoweth whether thou art come to the kingdom for such a time as this?

Esther 4:14-16 KJV

Despite the list of all tragic events in the world, it is still Good Friday! A time of remembrance that we are saved by mercy and His grace is sufficient for us all.

Resurrection Weekend

Enjoy your time with your family!

Holy Week

I have the privilege to partake in the presence of the Holy Spirit daily, but during certain times of the year, there’s a special time set aside for worship, adoration, giving thanks, repentance, protection, and praise. We get the opportunity to go around this room and write down our thoughts and we pour out what’s in our minds and what’s on our hearts; not only for ourselves, but for those who are suffering, persecuted and or lost. I do not take this time for granted. I’m very grateful. I’m humble. An awesome place to be. Thank you.

Absolutely Nothing

As a woman, we are taught to protect our prized possessions. To have high standards in building relationships and to place boundaries to prevent heartbreak.

Many times women make decisions to give up her prized possessions for many reasons. I won’t name them and I’m sure there are too many to name. Could it be that when we give it up or give in too easily, we lose a part of ourselves?

As we continue to give, are we expecting to get anything back besides self gratification? Do we stop to identify what it is we really want when we decide to give up that soul satisfying intimacy? If so, then what?

As a result, are we empowered to be bold and beautiful or does it break down the soul and makes us unfold? Does it cloud our decisions to reap the full benefit of being a woman?

~ The Benefit of Being A Woman ~

We may ponder and ask ourselves, what did he do to deserve me?

Absolutely Nothing