Submissive or Rebellious in Love

If it’s one thing that this COVID19 pandemic has taught me, it’s apparent Change is needed for Humanity to survive.

Millions of people throughout this entire world have had to think about how they and their family will survive this pandemic. Many have lost a loved one or two, or have lost their jobs. It has to be hard I know; I can’t hardly imagine being that one in a million. My heart goes out to those who have lost and have to grieve for the ones they love.

Today, I am grateful for the change that has come upon us. Not just for the world and humanity, but also for the love and the realization of what love is. Had I not known God, I would not know love. Having a true relationship with God, is special, and it resonates within my soul. It changes me to do things I would not normally do and I have to really begin to recognize that I have changed my ways to love.

Moving away from my sons has allowed me to open up my heart, because they tell me they love me more now than they did when we were living under one roof. Every time they see me, they tell me they love me. At first, I was really puzzled at how freely they expressed it. These are my boys, growing up to be men, respectfully. I’m loving it.

Not only have I received God’s love, and love from my sons, my family and my friends also tell me and show me they love me. My county has also shown me love by providing food and rental assistance to my community. In the midst of a global pandemic, God is still very prevalent today. His love brings protection, peace and the ability to endure it all.

One love that I fought hard to resist is loving someone you cannot fully comprehend. Someone who starts off as a stranger, an encounter of bliss. Things did not really add up to what I could remember of how love used to be.

I tried to go back to my matrimony of love and compare it with what I am experiencing today, it is not the same submissiveness. Trying to be a force to reckon with, I tried to force my way of love onto him, the way I was taught and brought up with. But you know what? He was not really having it. It was rather strange, the way we met. In the first quarter of the pandemic, we were both at a public park because a lot of places had shut down because of COVID19. Public outside spaces were places that relieved us of from a home quarantine.

I walked up to the Love Shack and our stories of how we met are so different. He said, I approached him with lust in my eyes, trying to seduce him. Ha! I had a wig on that day. I was just glad to be out of the house and here he comes. I think I remember asking him how were the ribs and he replied, they were delicious. I gave him my business card in general conversation. He contacted me the same day. This just seemed like a normal greeting to me. A month later, things were moving way too fast and it was over before it really began.

On that Mother’s Day, he found his way back into my life by a simple text. Yet, I still found this to be difficult and little things were not as good as they used to be as I reflect on my marriage. We didn’t really fight, we just didn’t trust each other, but we were still interested in seeing each other. Crazy I know, but you know how that go. That common bond that lingers on.

He was like my black coffee, a strong hot aroma with a bitter taste, and I was the swirl of cream and sugar that sweetened everything. I began to write to him having to explain my ways, hoping he would have some empathy for me. There was this gravitational force that kept us going back and forth making me change my ways of forcing my love on to him. With him, I had to learn how to love him, by listening to him and not always forcing it to do it my way. Patience, he fought to have with me. I thought I was doing it right, because I am older than him. I never thought a young could teach me how to love him, reluctantly.

We ate out a lot, Netflixed and chilled, traveled together and still… things seemed to be unsettled between us. The day after Xmas, I decided to let go; I told him “ Let’s just be friends in 2021!” because I felt like I had given enough of my love, and was still feeling ignored. I knew there was something amiss when his response was this, “Go to see your lover in the DR, I can’t compete with that and I don’t trust you!” I had no response to the heat he just placed in my lap, I had to learn to accept him for where his mind was at. Was I cool with that?

On New Year’s Eve, before 2021, he called. I was appalled, knowing what we both had been through and all. Yes, he called. “Before things get crazy, I love you and I still want to travel with you. I am in DC, visiting my brother. Have a Happy New Year and I Love You!” Well, what am I supposed to say? Go to hell? I could not even get my words out, because I said what I wanted to say before. It was not a threat to try to get him to realize anything, it was my best way to walk away from being mistreated. These days, it is called ghosting when you leave someone without an explanation, hoping the other person would catch on, but that is not something I wanted to chance. I clearly communicated, Let’s be friends and here he comes being very enchanting.

When temptation calls, do not answer the phone, because you will hear familiar tones and gestures you do not want to partake in. It is the no for me that seemed to have triggered something in him. We began to react on each other’s feelings and unresolved issues and here I am being vulnerable all over again. I am writing and communicating because it seems to be the only safe way I can make peace with him without it escalating into a fight or a big argument because the head space I can not penetrate with my voice to get him to acknowledge his lack of empathy. Change has got to come sooner, because what I’m not going to do is argue in the midst of a pandemic, nor will I take blame and seek injustice for systemic insecurities or relationship issues.

Here was my response….

“I love you too but …sometimes I am at war with my heart and my mind with the things I want in this relationship. It’s almost a year and you still don’t want to trust me.”

Our opportunity to connect through communication is rare. I feel as if you really don’t want to communicate with me. You want to keep things sort of… Mediocre with me. I hang in there always waiting and anticipating your willingness to be vulnerable with me.

Often times we say we love each other, but maybe it’s better to let go of one another, because of unmet expectations and difficult conversations. We can’t even trust to take care of each other. I don’t know about you, but it’s hard for me to let go.

When you say “ I love you” what does that mean?

Does “I love you” mean that you trust me?

Does “I love you” mean, I truly care about how I make you feel?

Does “I love you” mean I can love you unconditionally?

Does “I love you” mean, I know what my intentions are for this woman and I can communicate that to her so that she understands what I want from her?

Does “I love you” mean that I have you just the way I want you, in full submission?

What does your “I Love You” mean exactly?

Felt good as I was, I was also left wandering and wondering is that how he loves?

Change is necessary for humanity to survive, and once we realize the change we will have to decide if we want to

To be…


In Love …

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